PAINTER OF THE NIGHT
INTERVIEWER: T I T U S (♂)
INTERVIEWEE: P A I N T E R O F T H E N I G H T (♂)
TRANSCRIBER: Q U I C H E C A T !
LOCATION: S T U D I O
TIME: 1̵̧̛̠̰̤̳̲͎̦̺̔̆͐̀̍͝͝ͅ7̵̨͓̭̫̮̻̻̔͐̅͛͐̔:̵̡̻͎̙͇̯͈̘͗̂̾̋͜ͅ0̴̯̚͜1̸̧̥̥͚̻̘͙̪̠͔̍͐̋͗̅̅̔̂͘
DATE: 0̸͎̩͎̿̈́̆̿̆̐̿̕͠1̴̩͇̲̦͒ͅͅ/̷̛̪̯͜3̵̭̜̀̎̃͠3̴̧͍͔͚̒̄/̵̛̜̈́͗͑̂͠3̷̡̠̳̊̄̿4̵̩̹̙̟̼̭̝͇͎̍͂̆̇̾̌̆͝9̷͇̬͕̿̕͝1̵̪̻̱̲̆̌̾
TITUS: so, we've finally been able to capture the elusive "painter of the night," he who is rumored to draw the moon and stars with just one stroke of his magical brush. welcome to the studio! how are you doing on this fine night?
PAINTER OF THE NIGHT: I am the painter of the night.
T: ... (silence)
POTN: ... (silence)
T: ...r-right... uh... sorry, I asked how you were doing tonight?
POTN: (after a pause) my apologies. I have not been interviewed before so I am new to this. I just have to answer your questions truthfully?
T: yes, that is... (pauses to rub his temples) that is what we briefed you on beforehand.
POTN: hm. truthfully, I am... I don't have the teeniest ounce of enthusiasm to be here. this will need to be short, as I am due for my duties in exactly one hour.
T: o-okay... let us get on with the interview then! (smiling brightly in an attempt to keep himself collected)
TITUS: so, first question! let's talk about your occupation, since that's what the audience is here for, anyways. what exactly do you do? and are the one-stroke rumors actually true?
PAINTER OF THE NIGHT: I thought my alias would be clear enough to not warrant any silly confusion. I paint the night, as you put it earlier, with a "magical brush." though the one-stroke rumor is preposterous. have you ever seen someone start—and finish—a painting with one fell swoop of the hand? no. that is unheard of. I may paint the moon, stars, and constellations, but I am not a god, for heaven's sake.
T: (speaking sarcastically) ah, riiiight, my bad, I don't even know why I asked! it's not like we're doing an interview, or anything. let's move right on to the next question, pal!
POTN: I am not "pal," I am the "painter of the night." please call me by my name. "pal" would be disheartened if they heard you say that.
T: (silence) ...
POTN: (silence) ...
T: (trying to stay sane) I am truly sorry to both the "painter of the night" and "pal." let's move on.
TITUS: on to the next question! we know your name can't be "painter of the night," so what's your real name?
PAINTER OF THE NIGHT: I only go by "painter of the night." my real name has no reason to be known, because I will still only be called "painter of the night."
T: (speaking sarcastically... again) another silly question, it seems, ha ha! my bad. I guess I should've thought of less popular questions to ask. ha ha! I'll work on that. ha!
POTN: good, at least you understand the situation. you catch on quick.
T: yup. you could say it's... part of the job.
TITUS: can I ask about your hair? some people were wondering how you style it. what products do you use?
PAINTER OF THE NIGHT: products? (scoffs) this is all naturale, of course. I don't spend money on useless things.
T: what, do the star fairies descend from the sky and do your hair for you?
POTN: yes.
T: (silence) ...
POTN: (silence)...
T: are you... for real? you're being serious right now?
POTN: no, you dope. I don't live in a fantasy. I braid my hair myself.
T: right. I should've known. sorry.
TITUS: do you have a favorite food? or do you... not eat...
PAINTER OF THE NIGHT: obviously people need food for fuel. what do you think I do, eat sparkly berries for breakfast and a piece of toast before work? my favorite food is oatmeal. the sturdier the better.
T: surprisingly, that was your first concise answer. I feel like I should be thrilled, but I have a strange sense that my dignity has been damaged.
TITUS: do you wear one colored contact? or were you born with two different colored eyes?
PAINTER OF THE NIGHT: oh, actually, the essence of the stars is sealed inside my left eye. is that what you wanted me to say?
T: what I wanted you to say was the truth. please.
POTN: you've caught on. truthfully, my eyes aren't special. I was born this way.
T: I think you're getting better at this interview thing by the minute. I'm kinda proud!
POTN: (eyebrow twitching to keep from smiling)
TITUS: are you a mermaid? your tail has the appearance--
PAINTER OF THE NIGHT: merman.
T: okay. thanks for your input, as well as for cutting me off.
POTN: hm, or maybe a siren. yeah, let's go with siren. I've got a wonderful voice.
T: I'm moving on with or without you.